By Rene’ Davis
If you are experiencing domestic violence and want to leave, the barriers may feel too overwhelming. Ending an abusive relationship is rarely easy or straightforward. Fear, financial concerns, children, isolation and the hope that things will change can make you feel stuck.
If you recognize yourself in any of these reasons, know this: You are not to blame, and you are not without options.
‘I’VE BEEN THREATENED, AND I’M SCARED TO LEAVE’
Abusers may threaten your life, your loved ones, your belongings or your reputation to try to maintain control — and leaving sometimes can be a dangerous time. But you don’t have to leave without a plan — and you don’t have to do it alone. A domestic violence advocate can help you create a personalized safety plan and connect you with resources to ease your transition. Emergency shelter is available if you need a safe place to go while you decide your next steps.
‘I’VE BECOME ISOLATED, AND I’M ASHAMED THAT I’VE GONE BACK’
Isolation is a common abuse tactic and can leave you feeling disconnected. You may have pulled away from loved ones, or relationships may have become strained. You may have left and returned to the abusive relationship more than once. None of this means you have failed, and there is no shame in doing whatever you had to do to survive.
Even if you feel like you have no one left to turn to, you are not alone. Trained advocates are available to listen, support you without judgment, help you explore your options and connect you with resources to help you move forward safely.
‘MAYBE IT’S MY FAULT’
Abusers often work hard to convince their victims that they are the problem — that they caused the abuse, deserved it or somehow made their abuser behave that way. This can happen through gaslighting, manipulation, blame-shifting and DARVO (denying the abuse, attacking the person who speaks up and reversing the roles of victim and offender).
Nothing you say or do causes someone else to abuse you. The responsibility belongs entirely to the person choosing to cause harm. You did not make the perpetrator do it, and you are not the problem.
‘I MUST STAY FOR THE KIDS’
As a parent, you may believe that keeping the family together is the best way to protect your kids. But children can be deeply affected by witnessing or experiencing abuse, even when they are not the direct target. Exposure to domestic violence can affect a child’s sense of safety, emotional wellbeing, behavior, relationships and ability to cope with stress.
Creating a home where children can experience safety, stability and freedom from fear can allow them to heal and learn what healthy relationships look like. Leaving does not mean you are taking your children away from their family; it means moving toward a safer, healthier future for all of you.
Leaving can create new challenges, including custody and visitation concerns, but you don’t have to navigate those challenges alone. Free legal services are available, and a legal advocate can help you understand your options.
‘I DON’T HAVE MONEY’
Financial abuse can be a powerful means of control. An abusive partner may restrict your access to money, prevent you from working, control your bank accounts or create financial dependence to make leaving feel impossible. But being financially dependent does not mean you are trapped. You don’t need to have money saved or have everything figured out before seeking help. Advocates can help you explore options and connect you with resources for emergency needs, safe housing, employment, benefits, transportation and building greater financial stability.
You deserve the chance to build a life where your finances — and your choices — are your own.
‘NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME’
Abusers often convince survivors that nobody will believe them — or that telling the truth will make things worse. You deserve to be heard. Start with someone you trust, whether that’s a friend, advocate, counselor, healthcare provider or another safe person. The Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence hotline is available day or night to connect you with an advocate who will begin helping you escape the abuse.
‘I KNOW HE CAN CHANGE IF I LOVE HIM ENOUGH’
It is natural to hope that someone you love will change, but you cannot love, support or sacrifice your way out of someone else’s abusive behavior. Abuse is a choice. Changing that behavior is the responsibility of the person causing the harm, not the victim.
Promises to change can feel convincing, especially when they are followed by apologies, affection or periods of calm, but lasting change requires the perpetrator to acknowledge his behavior, stop blaming others, take responsibility for his actions and consistently work toward improvement.
You are not responsible for fixing your abuser. You do not have to wait for this person to change before you choose safety, support and freedom from abuse.
You don’t have to solve everything today — just take the next safe step. Help is available, and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Start by calling the Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence 24/7 Crisis Line: (800) 800-1396.
Rene’ Davis is communications director with Gulf Coast Center for Nonviolence. Contact her at rdavis@gccfn.org.