By Dr. April Ulmer
On the surface, I may seem like a confident woman who’s always had it together. I have a loving husband, two incredible daughters, friends I adore and a career I love. Well, I have a confession: Despite all my blessings and good fortune, when it comes to motherhood, I have struggled tremendously with uncertainty and insecurity.
Before we go any deeper, I should probably give you a little insight into who I am. I am the eldest child of two loving parents who instilled in us the importance of hard work and exceeding expectations. My parents led by example, and I’ve always felt proud of how they strived to make a good life for us, although it was never easy. When it came to my mother especially, I marveled at how she maintained a spotless home, cooked three square meals every day and kept us nurtured physically and emotionally, all while working full time as a special education teacher. It was amazing, and hers are big shoes to fill by anyone’s standards.
I knew early on she was the kind of woman I wanted to be — an incredible mother and wife, all while having a thriving career. I knew it was possible because I’d watched her do it every day.
Cue the reality check — the birth of our first daughter.
After our now 14-year-old arrived, my life became a bit of a disaster. Although I loved everything about being a mother. I was trying so hard to be my idea of “the perfect mother” that it was driving everyone in my household crazy. Stressed out and stretched to the point of nearly breaking became my new normal. If anything in my personal or professional life didn’t get managed according to my standards and on my timeline, it felt like a failure. This wasn’t post-partum depression because this cycle continued for years. It was utterly ridiculous and eventually led to me needing a “hard reset.”
I realized that I needed to rethink who I wanted to be as a parent and wife, and what I really wanted our family-life to look like. I had to work on consciously remembering that raising healthy and happy children was most important, even if it meant that sometimes dishes sat in the sink or a bed went unmade. I had to grow to understand that a successful family life is about balance. If achieving that balance meant that sometimes dinner came from a drive-through instead of my kitchen, that was OK, too.
My “hard reset” not only involved a change in attitude and behavior; it also required a change in my work environment, which is ultimately what led us here to the Coast. Although it was a difficult pill to swallow at the time, leaving my previous job and moving here was the best decision we could’ve made and ultimately what I needed to become the parent that I wanted — and needed — to be.
I believe everything happens for a reason. Through it all, I’ve developed a better understanding of myself and who I am, as well as a better grasp on the example that I want to set for my daughters. I want them to understand they can be strong without always having it all together — a lesson that extends to all aspects of life, not just motherhood.
So whether the bulk of your days are spent in the operating room, board room or laundry room, learn to consider who you are in the context of the crazy. Understand that it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible mother if you take time out for yourself. Whether you spend that time-out with your significant other, with friends or alone, self-care is health care. And in the long run, it can make you a better parent.
Let your kids see the wonderfully flawed you — the one who does the best she can every day, the one who, despite her best efforts, sometimes falls short but manages to pick herself up and keep going. Show them it’s OK to not always have all the answers or to fall short someone else’s idea of the ideal.
What you really will be teaching them is the power of resilience, fortitude, love and grace. And after all, isn’t that the very definition of what it means to be a good mom?
Dr. April Ulmer, a.k.a. “The Tummy Dr.,” is a board-certified pediatric gastroenterologist who practices at Kids and Tummies in Gulfport. Reach her at thetummydr@gmail.com.