I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer by continually discussing grief, but I do want to stay honest and transparent about the good, the bad and the ugly of the caregiving journey.
Momma passed away in early January, and while we are no longer caring for her and miss her dearly, we are still blessed to have daddy — for whom we still provide care. The new road we are traveling includes trying to navigate his needs while mourning the loss of momma.
Although we often feel overwhelmed with sorrow, there is still much that must be done. Our load is a lot lighter without having to care for both parents, but he bills must be paid, meds still need to be managed and meals, housework, laundry, doctors’ appointments, physical fitness, etc. still must be handled for daddy.
MOVING FORWARD, GIVING MYSELF GRACE
Amid the caregiving responsibilities, I’m trying to determine how to continue living with purpose instead of retreating to my bedroom to delve into a book, watch TV or take a nap. So, I’ve decided to keep moving while giving myself some grace and permission to retreat when I feel the need.
When things get heavy, I pause to take a break from meetings, events, phone calls and text messages to focus on providing care for daddy and taking care of myself — and I’m learning to not apologize about it.
DURING THE PAST FEW MONTHS, I HAVE FOUND IT IMPORTANT TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
• Take the time needed to grieve, reset and prioritize: What that looks like can change by the week, and I’m learning to be OK with that.
• Declutter: If I must live without my mother, I certainly can live without a lot of stuff I’ve been holding onto “just in case.”
•Establish and reinforce boundaries with friends and loved ones: Many think they know what’s best and often eagerly share what they think should be done, especially regarding daddy. Some have assumed we would move him in with us. He’s only a short distance from us (one block) and prefers to be home, which is comfortable and familiar. Uprooting him from the home he’s lived in for nearly 60 years with his dearly departed wife may be more disruptive for him because he lives with dementia.
• Get physical: Because it’s so easy to just sit around in sadness, I’ve committed to becoming more physically fit instead of succumbing to the couch-potato life. I’ve established a routine of fitness for daddy and me. Daddy’s routine involves him leaving the house for boxing and fitness lessons as often as he cooperates.
• Spend time: Although I’m at my parents’ home several times a day, I find it difficult to be there because momma is no longer present. However, I try my best to hang out with daddy there after meds, meals and chores to chat, engage and help ward off loneliness.