There are days I must force myself out of bed to go take care of my parents — not because I’m as exhausted as I was before I retired from working full time, but because the journey is overwhelming.
Watching the mental and physical decline of the two strongest people I have ever known, and who are largely responsible for who I am, causes me extreme sadness. Before rising from bed and while getting dressed, I start my mental preparation and adjust my mood so I’m not too emotional. I get them bathed, get them dressed, give them their meds, prepare breakfast, engage them in conversation, tell jokes, speak words of encouragement and answer daddy’s questions about people he hasn’t seen in years — or things that we told him that he doesn’t fully remember. Once they are eating, the housework begins: making beds or changing bed linens, sweeping, mopping, washing and folding clothes, etc.
Whew…
Even after being on this journey for nine years, it’s still a lot. We have implemented processes and schedules to make it more manageable, but it’s a lot.
For some, a highlight of the Cruisin’ the Coast event is seeing a vintage car peel out or do a burnout. Although this looks cool and may even be a cool experience for the driver, the car’s tires take a beating from the friction and the heat. The smoke, spinning and squealing tires excite spectators, but the aftereffects are not so cool. The car’s owner knows that the burnout means new tires sooner rather than later, possibly some brake work and other wear and tear.
That burnout in caregiving is real — and not unlike the car burnouts.
Friends, acquaintances, and social media followers regularly compliment me on the “great job” I am doing caring for my parents — just like the cheering spectators watching the car burnouts. But in this analogy, I’m like the car. I am built for the ride, but the burnout is real. It takes a toll on me mentally, physically, socially and financially.
I am grateful for the acknowledgement and knowing that I’m encouraging others, but I often feel the strain. My arms, shoulders, legs and back often burn from lifting, shifting and assisting. I am subject to decision fatigue and feel depleted emotionally. I sometimes go to the front bedroom in my parents’ house to cry, or I cry as I transfer clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. And I often cry as I watch them through the cameras.
Unlike the car whose wheels and brakes can be replaced, I cannot easily replace the parts of me that are overused — but I can devise ways to heal myself and minimize the damage caused by those feats that the spectators applaud.
If this sounds familiar, you’ve got this! It’s rough, but you were built for this challenge. Here are some strategies that can help:
SELF AFFIRMATIONS
Self-affirmations help me most of the time. Usually, I can pump myself up and calm my nerves when needed. However, at times, I cannot even encourage myself; that’s when I must physically recharge.
PHYSICAL ACTIVITY
I’m usually not very excited about physical activity, but I know that I need it to be in good condition to assist my parents and ward off any ailments that may be creeping in. Even when I don’t feel like exercising, I try to get some stretching in. Doing a few yoga poses helps me feel better physically and clears my mind.
CONNECT WITH OTHERS
I find talking with friends and family very helpful when I am not retreating. However, I also find it therapeutic to connect with other caregiver friends and acquaintances on social media and in real life who understand the journey. I always learn something, discover a new resource and gain perspective.
FIND PURPOSE ELSEWHERE
People often ask how I fit everything in, because those who know realize that the caregiving journey is time-consuming and physically exhausting. I don’t always explain, as not everyone will understand or appreciate the answer, but I need to have a sense of purpose. I need to do something outside of caregiving so I can stay sane and fulfilled. So, I stay involved in community, civic, church, and some social activities. I admit that I sometimes over-commit myself and my talents, so I’m working on that.
ASK FOR OR ACCEPT HELP
When I need a break or want to take a trip, I don’t hesitate to text my brother with dates so he can check his calendar. Usually, he’s able to come stay with our parents during those times. During his regular visits home, he lets my husband and I have a respite the entire time (except maybe when he wants to go hunting or fishing).
ESCAPE (WITHOUT GUILT)
Take a respite — even if it’s a short trip or a staycation. I’m now to a point where I can turn off all camera notifications while I’m away, but I still drop in on them a few times through the app and call them because I miss them.
Recently, my brother came home and stayed two weeks with our parents while I traveled for a conference, and then for relaxation. As we chatted about my trip and his stay with our parents, I mentioned how I took my laptop with me thinking that I might do some work. However, I did not touch the laptop bag. Instead, I napped, took short walks, found spots to eat in crowded areas or ordered room service and napped some more. My husband was concerned that I’d be bored, but I reassured him that I wouldn’t. It was a wonderful and much-needed break from my caregiving duties.
When I can’t get away but really need to, I sleep in and let my parents stay in bed a little longer than usual. This improves my mood and makes me more eager to do my chores.
TALK TO SOMEONE
Although I’m an introvert and cherish my time alone, I find it beneficial to chat with a friend by phone while walking on the beach or catch up over brunch or drinks with a small group of ladies. It helps prevent feelings of isolation.
Burnout is very common for caregivers. If you are a caregiver, please practice self-care and avoid isolation so you can be the healthiest you possible — and a better caregiver to your loved one.