Photography by Brandi Stage Portraiture
The loss is still very fresh, as I started writing this just two weeks after momma passed away. However, I have been grieving my mother for several years — since the major stroke that probably started her dementia journey.
Momma made great progress after her stroke and even learned how to walk again. However, it was painful to watch her independence slip away, and even more painful to watch her mourn the loss of that independence. Because she was so active and vibrant, her new way of life seemed like a curse.
Although she was rarely in pain, she cried so often that her little nose stayed red. We tried not to break down in front of her, but it was difficult. She was used to helping everybody else, and now she could not walk, bathe or do much without assistance. We had to implement what she taught and modeled for us.
APPROACHING THE END OF HER LIFE JOURNEY
I’m a realist and like to be prepared, so, I began mentally readying myself for momma to transition. She had begun sleeping more, struggling to swallow more than usual, experiencing digestion issues and engaging with us much less. The signs were so apparent that when friends and loved ones asked how she was doing, I replied that her health was continuing to decline and she was approaching the end of her journey.
I thought I was ready. I was not.
A few days before momma passed away, I was designing a funeral program for a good friend’s mother. Before completing it, I thought it would be a good idea to begin jotting down things to include in my parents’ obituaries.
As I drove to the Mississippi Delta to deliver the programs and to attend the services for my friend’s mother, I considered reaching out to my friend at the funeral home to begin pre-arranging services for momma. I didn’t place the call as I drove and decided I’d wait until Monday.
The next day, before I could get dressed to attend the funeral, I noticed something odd through my parents’ bedroom camera. Momma was in the same position in bed that she had been a few hours before. At that time of morning, she usually would have been moving around, but she was still. The thing I feared most about this caregiving journey had become reality.
A LOSS YOU CAN NEVER BE READY FOR
I have continued to learn the extent of my unreadiness. The emotions overwhelmed me. The extreme sadness erupted and stayed for hours or days at a time. Continuing to care for daddy helped until we had to remind him that momma was gone.
I added some practical things to a list of items to address as I began thinking about the impact of losing momma. Fortunately, the funeral home handled most of them. They reported momma’s death to the life insurance company and the social security administration, who then shared the information with the medical insurance company and retirement system.
IF YOU SENSE THAT A LOVED ONE’S TRANSITION IS IMMINENT, I LEAVE YOU WITH THESE SUGGESTIONS:
- Locate important documents, especially life insurance policies and banking information.
- Consider becoming the owner of your loved one’s insurance policy.
- Research funeral homes and burial options, and pre-plan.
- Generate a list of who to call when the inevitable happens.
- Know your loved one’s wishes. Does he or she have a do-not-resuscitate order? Does he or she want a burial or a cremation?
- If you plan to have an obituary, begin gathering information to include.
- If you think you will have a funeral, start thinking about whom to include in the services.
- Gather input from family and friends.
- Know that you are never truly prepared for the end of your loved one’s life — but some challenges you can mitigate through planning.